Jan Moir and her Strange, Lonely and Troubling Voodoo Curses

50 sHaDeS oF iDiOcY: pArT 5

Not so long back, as part of the Metropolitan police’s investigation into the corruption of public officials, five senior journalists from The Sun were arrested. The detainees included the newspaper’s deputy editor Geoff Webster, former chief reporter John Kay and the current leading foreign correspondent, John Edwards (not to be confused with the TV illusionist and deluder of the same name who pretends to talk to dead people while his guests’ grief diminishes amid the miracles).

Naturally, following the demise of the News of the World for being a vile, blue-waffled malfeasance, there were rumours that the nation’s favourite red top could also be flushed down the same hole, douched beyond the U-bend, never to return.

If I’m totally honest, I would miss it.

You can't deny that sometimes it is a glory to behold. The complex and purely speculative, illustrated reconstructions of military operations are like the graphic novel battles I've always delighted in. 

Then there are the puntasmagorical headlines such as: ‘Super Caley Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious,’ following Caledonian Thistle’s shock 3-1 giant-larruping of the Pacers-clad (80s sweets) Glaswegian giants in the Scottish Cup. 

As for the Page 3 models’ insightful ponderings with regard to abstract socio-economic issues, well, they're unparalleled:

Recently, amid the quagmire of our bleak economic landscape, Page 3 lovely Sam (25, from Manchester) quoted from Victorian fiction writer Charles Dickens’ Micawber Principle:

"Annual income £20, annual expenditure £19/19/6d, result happiness. Annual income £20, annual expenditure £20/0/6d, result misery."

As both you and I know, Sam was alluding to Dickens’ novel David Copperfield (not to be confused with the TV illusionist and deceit monkey of the same name who pretends to float over random Wonders of the World, diminishing their majesty into near insignificance beneath his miracles).

So yeah, I would definitely miss The Sun if it self-destructed like the News of the World.

Phone-hacking and corruption scandals aside however, there is one humourless rag that I’d love to see have their offices confiscated and converted into theme parks for transgender Azerbaijani economic migrants. This newspaper goes by the name of…

Don’t bother with the drumroll. Oh fuck it, go on then... Brrrr-rrrrr-rrrr-urgh -

It's The Daily Mail. Obviously. 

And it’s actually fucking despicable.

For a starter, it’s never made me laugh (intentionally) - not once, ever and that's a heinous crime in itself.

In the 1930s, friend of Benito Mussolini and Adolf Hitler, Lord Rothermere directed the Mail's editorial stance and praised the Nazi regime's accomplishments. He stated: "The minor misdeeds of individual Nazis would be submerged by the immense benefits the new regime is already bestowing on Germany." Either he was referring to the violence against Jews and anyone else that didn't fit the Aryan master race ideology or he was a fucking blithering bumblespanner. Either way he was a bottom-drawer prophesier.

But fast-forward to the 21st century and it turns out that the newspaper has a genuine clairvoyant on their hands. A fortune-teller who is so accurate that it can only be rationally explained by the assumption that she dabbles in the ancient witchcraft of voodoo.

From now on, I'm only going to refer to the paper anagrammatically in an attempt to be annoying and provoke temporary confusion.

Here's yet another topic that DIY Himla Tale recently tackled:

The untimely death of Stephen Gately from Boyzone, or Boys Aloud or Banally Blathering Buggernuts - I can't remember the particular band but you know the one I mean?

Vodouist practitioner and My Ideal Hitla columnist Jan Moir scrawled a scandalous assault on Boyzone's openly-gay jigger-abouter Stephen Gately's untimely demise before the poor lad had even been patted into the ground. I definitely wouldn't call it a tribute. It was entitled:

'A Strange, Lonely and Troubling Death...'

Moir opens by warning fans to expect the unexpected from their heroes:

"Particularly if these idols live a life shadowed by dark appetites fractured by private vice."

I don't think she's talking about midnight lemonade slurping sojourns huddled in the glow of the fridge light. But I'm not entirely sure I understand what she means at all? Wasn't Gately's history as a clean-cut idol of hundreds of thousands of 13 year old girls. And my mate Gary.

Then, somewhat suspiciously she writes:

"Robbie, Amy, Kate, Whitney, Britney... We are not being ghoulish to anticipate their bad end."

Well she is being a bit ghoulish, let's be honest. It should be pointed out that when she wrote this article they were all still alive. No doubt when Amy and Whitney died she was rubbing her hands with glee. Either that, or hang on a minute...

Now I'm no Columbo, but if Robbie rolls a 7 in the next few months then Moir should be taken in for questioning, that's all I'm saying. The detectives should probably scour her attic with a fine-toothed comb. I'd be looking for some kind of padlocked antique chest which I guarantee, once prized open with a crowbar, will reveal a plethora of pin-pierced Hoodoo-Voodoo Cabbage Patch celebrity dolls. 

Trust me, I've seen Kill List.

I'm still struggling to see the connection between these celebrities and Stephen Gately. What is the common connection between these 'dark appetites'?

Williams: Bolivian marching powder and pork and pickle pies; Winehouse: smack, crack and booze; Moss: nose candy and looking scrumdiddlyumptious; Houston crack and Brown (not of the heroin variety); Spears: hair-clippers? Gately: Er..?

Stephen had been on holiday in Port d'Andratx, Mallorca with his partner Andrew Cowles when he died suddenly in his sleep. His death was later determined to have been caused by a pulmonary edema resulting from an undiagnosed heart condition according to the coroner. Essentially, he died as a result of a congenital heart defect. 

This however does not satisfy Ms Moir:

"All the official reports point to a natural death with no suspicious circumstances." 

Then the Miss Marple in her bursts forth:

"But hang on a minute. Something is terribly wrong with the way the incident has been shaped and spun into nothing more than an unfortunate mishap, like a broken teacup in the rented cottage."

I'm not sure the Gately family saw their son's congenital heart defect in the same way as Jan Moir's metaphor of a fumbled tumbler in a quaint countryside retreat somehow.

A pathology report stated that Gately suffered from atheromatosis, an undiagnosed heart condition. The report said that the star had died from an acute pulmonary oedema – a build up of fluid on the lungs caused by the condition. The report made it clear that he had not been killed by alcohol or drugs.

Good enough for most people but sometimes it takes a maverick to solve these things:

“Whatever the cause of death is, it is not, by any yardstick, a natural one. Let us be absolutely clear about this. All that has been established so far is that Stephen Gately was not murdered.”

Post-mortem examinations don’t always go far enough for some people apparently. I always like to get a second opinion from a mouthy hack with no medical training whatsoever, dunno about you?

Jan Moir’s article was published the day before Stephen Gately’s funeral. 

The day before.

She's a bit like the Westboro Baptist Church members in Kansas - the religious zealots who picket funerals and waved banners such as 'Matt is in Hell' and 'Thank god for AIDS' during the funeral of Matthew Shephard, a man murdered for being homosexual. 

Jan Moir's like them but more impatient. Why wait for the service to take place before pissing all over the memory of a family's cherished love one?

I'll let Britney Spears have the final word:

"Don’t you know that you’re toxic?"

Melanie Phillips, the Gay Agenda and her penchant for Cahooning great Whoppers

50 sHaDeS oF iDiOcY: pArT 4

It may have come to your attention that I seem to be thwomping on endlessly about Daily Mail writers at the moment. You probably think they're an easy target for liberal lefties such as myself but you'd be wrong. 

They're even an easy target for barely sentient unicellular organisms such as the amoeba. It's just that these infinitesimal, shapeless protists have yet to muster their collective brains to create a subaquatic, microscopic Water Wide Web where they can vent their anger towards the likes of the Mail's Melanie Phillips and her attitude regarding sexuality. They've yet to achieve this because they don't actually have brains but I know that they're fed up with their binary fission (or cell division) reproduction methods, that don't adhere to heterosexual ideology, being demeaned by the likes of Ms Phillips. They informed me of this through the medium of dreams, the cheeky little tinkers.

Melanie Phillips recently penned an article entitled:

'Yes, gays have often been the victims of prejudice. But they now risk becoming the new McCarthyites.'

Now, if you're like me, you're probably enraged by this 'McCarthyites' reference and over-griddling with disbelief like a sizzling, smoking kielbasa:

Just what the fuck does McCarthyites mean?

It's really irritating to not be clever. It's even worse when the Daily Mail write a headline that you don't understand. I put it down to stupid state school education. Surely the unceasingly hubble-bubble of copious marijuana bongs at the time had nothing to do with my lack of attentiveness in lessons.

Anyway, apparently McCarthyites aren't hippies who regularly indulge in textured vegetable protein Cumberland bangers with sun-dried tomatoes, which, by the way are simply delightful. Especially if you're hungry enough to eat a scabby horse. I doubt Black Beauty would have been anywhere near as delectable.

Essentially McCarthyism is defined as the practice of publicising accusations of disloyalty or subversion with insufficient regard to evidence. It is a term derived from Joseph Raymond "Joe" McCarthy, an American politician who served as a U.S. Senator for the state of Wisconsin from 1947 until his death in 1957. His main drive was to state that there were innumerable dangerous Communists, Soviet spies and sympathisers inside the United States federal government that had managed to overcome the obvious cover-blown ruse of trilby-clad agents sitting on park benches with eye-holes bored through broadsheet newspapers as they tried to glean nuclear secrets from passing squirrels.

But still I'm confused. 

How does this equate with the 'Gay Agenda' that Phillips is rallying against? 

She begins:

"Here’s a question ­shortly coming to an examination ­paper near you. What have mathematics, geography or science to do with homosexuality? Nothing at all, you say? Zero marks for you, then. Schoolchildren are to be bombarded with homosexual references in maths, geography and ­science lessons as part of a Government-backed drive to promote the gay agenda."

I wasn't aware that examination papers were coming near me again, shortly. I thought I was done with all that malarkey when I left uni. I'm not sure which subject's exam paper this question will appear on because it covers Maths, Geography and Science - maybe all of them. I reckon it probably incorporates Humanities, Religious Education, History, Art and Country Dance too.

I'm a bit miffed that Melanie Phillips answers the question for us without at least giving anyone a chance to try and offer some kind of elucidation. So, after deciding that her lack of patience or Quizmastering adeptness should be discounted, I'm going to try and answer the questions, posed mainly by myself. Under exam conditions:

Shush, this is serious and there isn't even anyone sitting next to me that I can copy the answers from. Not like the old days - 

Simon, where are you now? Your muffled 'pssts' and passive, sleight of hand pencil throwing stunts are the only reason I achieved GCSE English grades at all, I'm certain! 

Okay, competition time:

Maths:

1) A gay man decided to purchase three bottles of Amyl Nitrate (or Poppers) on-line because he felt a particular website's offer would work out cheaper than a singular purchase. Plus his sphincter had been tighter than the grip of  a giant squid's tendrils of late. He elected for a 10ml bottle of TNT for $27.00, a 10ml phial of Buzz for $32.00 and a 15ml vial of Jungle Juice Gold LARGE for $42.00 and paid the jam price of $100.00. 

Did he get a bargain..?   

Geography:

2) In which of these destinations would you be most likely to stumble across the most flagrant of vagina-decliner or todger-dodger? 

a) Brighton 

b) Heaven 

c) Haringey

d) 'Bell End' street in Wellingborough

Science:

3) Alan Turing was a British mathematician, logician, cryptanalyst and computer scientist. He formalised the concepts of algorithms and computation with the Turing Machine which could be adapted to simulate the logic of any computer algorithm and explain the functions of a CPU inside a computer. He is widely considered to be the father of computer science and artificial intelligence. During World War II, Turing was head of the Government Code and Cypher School (GC&CS) at Bletchley Park, codebreaking the Nazi's cryptanalysis and mastering, before dismantling their settings for the Enigma machine like a simple and enjoyable bounce through Peggle Nights. Following his unparalleled contribution to defeating the Nazis, Turing was charged with gross indecency under Section 11 of the Criminal Law Amendment Act, 1885 because he acknowledged having a homosexual relationship with a man called Arnold Murray. On June 7 1954, Alan Turing committed suicide. The question is:

a) Was Turing an absolute bufty who probably stuck the gun up his own batty as he rolled himself a seven, just for that very last thrill?

b) Should Alan Turing be regarded as one of the most important and revered  figures of the 20th Century? 

c) Does the image on the shroud (Alan's duvet) kept in the Cathedral of St John the baptist in Italy really resemble him? The carbon-dating seems to go back way further that the 1950s?

Humanities:

4) Does Melanie Phillips display any of the traits usually attributed to reasonable human beings?

* All answers appear at the bottom of this article.

According to Melanie:

"In geography, for example, they will be told to consider why homosexuals move from the ­countryside to cities." 

It's a bamboozler for sure. I mean, I know why heterosexuals move from the countryside to cities - they're looking for jobs, a bit of life, a slice of action. Maybe even a partner? But as for homosexuals, what on earth could their motivations be? As we all know, the backwater village has always been a pillar of acceptance for the more diverse members of the human race. 

She goes on to state: "In science, they [children] will be directed to ­animal species such as emperor ­penguins and sea horses, where the male takes a lead role in raising its young." All mocking aside, she has a good point here. It's absolutely outrageous to look at nature and watch millions of years of evolution going about its own business with the father nurturing its offspring. I mean who in their right mind could find that acceptable, let alone beautiful?

But apparently, according to Phillips:  "It is an abuse of childhood. And it’s all part of the ruthless campaign by the gay rights lobby to destroy the very ­concept of normal sexual behaviour."

It seems that the gay lobby are somehow communicating with penguins and sea horses. This wasn't something I was aware of but we should definitely be scared. They're obviously some kind of camp amphibious Dr Doolittles with a mysterious 'agenda'. They move into cities and the suchlike or something(?), apparently? Who knows what tactics are being amassed?

"This is but the latest attempt to brainwash children with propaganda under the ­camouflage of ­education. It is an abuse of childhood." It appears that nurturing children accurately as to how nature works is somehow an incongruously devious plot. She follows up with:

"It’s all part of the ruthless campaign by the gay rights lobby to destroy the very ­concept of normal sexual behaviour." 

The sea horses and penguins she mentioned earlier are also apparently not manifesting 'normal sexual behaviour' according to Ms Phillips's ideals.

Are these animals forming lobbies? What could their agenda be? Where are they meeting and why aren't the intelligence services listening in?

Or is it Melanie Phillips's archaic views about certain behaviours that don't constitute 'normality' in her own antiquated, narrow-minded, 1970s Super 8 world in a 21st century digital realm that has clearly left her befuddled?

And she looks like the rustiest of bikes.

* Competition answers:

1) Melanie Phillips is a dipshit dipstick ditzy dingbat

2) Melanie Phillips is a slack-jawed spleenmeisting sausage slurper

3) Melanie Phillips is a nit-witted numb-nutted nicompoop

4) No

All entries to be sent enclosed in the spongy-tissued pouched wall of an impregnated male seahorse to the usual address - roughly about 1,755 feet beneath the Antarctic Ocean. If you've alreay read the answers given above then you will be disqualified from the competition.

If you correctly scored three or more then you're in line for a prize. Entries will be pulled out of a submerged leather policeman's helmet once we've let the penguins loose on him. [We are not responsible for the competition entries that are stolen by amoebas - they're thieving little blobby motherfuckers.] 

A Swift Spraff with Funk Da Bass.

DJ outfit Funk Da Bass (aka Darren Lee and Dr Frost) are nothing if not turntablist veterans of the Ones and Twos. The Ceux et Deux. The Unos y Dos. The 部分和兩. Look, what I'm trying to say is that they like to rip it up like a scratch card. We met in a discreet darkened dungeon hidden beneath the boating lake in Abington Park. For security reasons.

Why Funk Da Bass?

DL: "The name reflects our passion for all music and we never put ourselves into a category. From one end of the scale we might play a funky house set, at the other end, a D&B set. The concept of Funk Da Bass is to mix all styles of dance music together in one session - to create an exciting blend of music."

Ah, good old D&B. Personally, I guzzle at least two litres of the glorious brown nectar every night (usually of the Happy Shopper variety). What's with the puzzled look? I'm talking about Dandelion & Burdock which I assume they are, of course..? 

So, how long have you been in the industry?

DL: " Twelve years and counting."

And what shenanegizzles were going down ten years ago?

DL: "In total ecstasy, puttin' on my raving shooz. We danced all night."

Okay, sounds nice an' easy, somehow cheesy. Heads on the block time then gents, favourite tune ever?

DF: "Most definitely a tough one... 'Tainted Love' by Soft Cell?"

DL: "Definitely not that one. Too many to choose."

'Tainted Love' sounds like an obvious choice to me, what with its syncopated, 1980s-stylee, tonne-eighty BPM Jungle breakbeats and skanky-filth, low-range frequency bass wobble-fest. Although, having said that, I might be thinking of a different tune.(?) 

Come on then, give us your most delectable record purchase:

DL: "'Some Justice' by Mickey Finn and Aphrodite. For a fiver."

DF: "Every one except the one I've just sold to Darren."

(Now check how I've lured them in before flipping this shit upside its own head with skills.)

Now to the serious business then... Give up your most dismally ill-judged vinyl purchase ever. Come on lads, spill the beanage..:

DF: "'I Think We're Alone Now' by Tiffany, 12". Yeah. It rocks."

DL: "I've just bought a Debbie Gibson tune off Frost for a penny. Cool."

Although I've never met you before, you never seem to age. What's your secret?

DF: "I've always looked old, right from the start."

DL: "Jack Daniels and dancing."

What's been the most memorable gig so far? If you can remember.

DF: "Covering The Rat Pack and Nicky Blackmarket's set at Helter Skelter."

DL: "There was one particular night we played at the Roadmender - I say we, but Frost was having trouble both seeing or hearing for certain reasons. The crowd had fun."

Namecheck some gigs/venues where you've rolled like a Cooper's Hill cheese wheel:

DL: "Fuel, Hysteria, Liquid, Helter Skelter, Club Pluto, Break-Up, B2M, Strictly Drum n Bass, Rage, and er, too many pubs and parties under bridges or in barns to mention."

What about projects for the future, assuming we have one?

DL: "We're concentrating on two main club nights at the minute - VIP House, where we've just got a residency and a big new monthly Drum n Bass night that's soon to be launched in Northampton. Check press for details. Apart from that, we're also working on some new tracks in the studio."

If your TV was jammed on one program forever (which is a technical and logical impossibility) which joyous slab of gogglevision would you be as chuffed as a tank engine with?

DF: "Shameless."

DL: "*NTV's Search For A Star."

*For the benefit of readers in, I dunno, say Hollywood or New York or Paris or Ouagadougou, wherever, NTV is the acronym for Northampton TeleVision, a somewhat maverick channel which by all accounts can never be accused of squandering its budget. 

And finally, if you were both marooned on a desert island with just one item (which technically and logically could happen but in all honesty is incredibly unlikely, especially if it happened to the boys independently and not in the same mishap), what would it be?

DF: "An aeroplane."

DL: "A pilot."

Jamfoolery.

Why there's No Excuse for Not Voting

So, once again the time to decide is almost upon us. No, not who you want to win Strictly Dance Fever (although it is hotting up quite nicely I must confess), but which political party we will entrust with the reins of power in the forthcoming General Election. I'll forgive you for thinking, 'Who cares? They're all the same,' but it is this general apathy that helps politicians to get away with bungling their way through their tenures without a large proportion of the population even realising how inept some of them really are. They bore people (particularly young eligible voters) to the point of distraction with confusing, mind-numbing facts, figures and (yawn) statistics. The Labour government was voted in at the last General Election by just 24% of the public, so their policies, by no means, represent the wants and needs of every person in society.

It is extremely important that the younger members of society get to the ballot boxes with pen in hand, as the 18-35ish age group are precisely the people who are not represented in the Houses of Parliament.

How can they be acting on our behalf when they they don't live as we live? The youngest Member of Parliament is Liberal Democrat Sarah Teather, MP for Brent East, who weighs in at a veritable spring-chickenlike 30 years old. So it's not surprising if you feel like you can't really identify with them. If the grey-vote provide the majority turnout then it is because they feel that the politicians share their vision of how this country should be. If a party wants to govern this country as though it was still the 1950s and that's just how you wished things still were, then you will go out and tick their box.

But hey, these are the noughties, this country has changed a great deal for the better, and for the worse, but to not vote in the election is to relinquish your right to complain about change not happening quickly enough.

On May 5, both County Council and Parliamentary elections will take place to select councillors and MPs. Tony Blair, who visited Northamptonshire back in February, cited the county as one of the major battlegrounds in the country because it contains some of the most marginal Labour-held seats.

So, who gets your vote?

I know, I'm as confused as most people. I suppose it comes down to policies, as none of the party leaders are particularly good-looking.

Here are some of the proposals regarding topical issues: 

Tax:

• Labour has pledged to not raise income tax and promises tax-cuts for families. They haven't ruled out a rise in national insurance though.
• The Conservatives promise £4bn worth of cuts, while the Lib Dems say that they won't have to cut taxes, but will create a 50% rate for earners of more than £100,000 per year.
• The Green Party will make it a 60% rate for these earners. The rate currently stands at 40%.

Education:

• Labour will cap university top-up fees, which they promised they wouldn't bring in at the last General Election, at £3,000.
• The Conservatives will scrap university fees and instead charge interest on student loans. Lib Dem will cut class sizes to 20 and do away with uni tuition fees.

Health:

• Labour offer more choice over hospitals, with waiting times at an 18-week maximum.
• The Tories say they will crack down on MRSA, while the Lib Dems are offering free prescriptions and eye-tests.
• The Green Party want to increase the NHS funding to around £90bn per year.

The Environment:

• Is climate-change a bigger threat to us than international terrorism? With Labour currently chairing the G8, they will apply more pressure, internationally, on reducing CO2 emissions by 60% by 2050.
• The Lib Dems will put a freeze on GM crops and want 20% of energy to come from renewable sources.
• The Greens will replace VAT with eco-taxes, including a carbon tax, to penalise environmentally-unfriendly products like fossil fuels.

Civil Liberties:

• Labour are in favour of bringing in ID cards to help combat international terrorism. Feel a little Orwellian? The Spanish have had ID cards for years but they didn't stop the Madrid bombers from slipping through the net. The Lib Dems will spend the ID card money on 10,000 more police officers.
• The Conservatives want a reform of the asylum system and have certainly been trying to tap into this controversial issue. Are they trying to link asylum-seekers to terrorism? It's up to you to decide. None of the major parties have done anywhere near enough to clarify the difference between migrants and asylum-seekers, perhaps with the exception of Charles Kennedy, Lib Dems, who said that the country was 'richer and more vibrant,' precisely because it was a 'multi-racial, multi-ethnic society.'

Iraq:

• One of the most emotive issues in this General Election. Do we trust Blair who has been proven to have taken our country to war, (the most extreme action that a government can take in your name, leading to the deaths of tens of thousands of Iraqi civilians and 87 British soldiers so far, plus thousands of others), under false pretences?
• The Tories backed the war and the Lib Dems strongly opposed it.

There aren't just three choices either.

If you think the Green Party have got their priorities right, then vote for them. No vote is a wasted vote. Each one sends a message to Westminster - every vote counts.

Even ones for the strangely-orange xenophobe Robert Kilroy-Silk's Veritas party

Er, actually, that might be a wasted vote. But the important thing is that on May 5, you get out and vote. It is worth keeping in mind, the men and women of Iraq, who braved the reality of suicide-bombers, and stood in queues for hours to make their voices heard in a democracy that we imposed on them. For us not to go to the polls would be criminal. The world has changed a great deal in the last four years.

Time to get off our arses.

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