A Swift Spraff with Funk Da Bass.

DJ outfit Funk Da Bass (aka Darren Lee and Dr Frost) are nothing if not turntablist veterans of the Ones and Twos. The Ceux et Deux. The Unos y Dos. The 部分和兩. Look, what I'm trying to say is that they like to rip it up like a scratch card. We met in a discreet darkened dungeon hidden beneath the boating lake in Abington Park. For security reasons.

Why Funk Da Bass?

DL: "The name reflects our passion for all music and we never put ourselves into a category. From one end of the scale we might play a funky house set, at the other end, a D&B set. The concept of Funk Da Bass is to mix all styles of dance music together in one session - to create an exciting blend of music."

Ah, good old D&B. Personally, I guzzle at least two litres of the glorious brown nectar every night (usually of the Happy Shopper variety). What's with the puzzled look? I'm talking about Dandelion & Burdock which I assume they are, of course..? 

So, how long have you been in the industry?

DL: " Twelve years and counting."

And what shenanegizzles were going down ten years ago?

DL: "In total ecstasy, puttin' on my raving shooz. We danced all night."

Okay, sounds nice an' easy, somehow cheesy. Heads on the block time then gents, favourite tune ever?

DF: "Most definitely a tough one... 'Tainted Love' by Soft Cell?"

DL: "Definitely not that one. Too many to choose."

'Tainted Love' sounds like an obvious choice to me, what with its syncopated, 1980s-stylee, tonne-eighty BPM Jungle breakbeats and skanky-filth, low-range frequency bass wobble-fest. Although, having said that, I might be thinking of a different tune.(?) 

Come on then, give us your most delectable record purchase:

DL: "'Some Justice' by Mickey Finn and Aphrodite. For a fiver."

DF: "Every one except the one I've just sold to Darren."

(Now check how I've lured them in before flipping this shit upside its own head with skills.)

Now to the serious business then... Give up your most dismally ill-judged vinyl purchase ever. Come on lads, spill the beanage..:

DF: "'I Think We're Alone Now' by Tiffany, 12". Yeah. It rocks."

DL: "I've just bought a Debbie Gibson tune off Frost for a penny. Cool."

Although I've never met you before, you never seem to age. What's your secret?

DF: "I've always looked old, right from the start."

DL: "Jack Daniels and dancing."

What's been the most memorable gig so far? If you can remember.

DF: "Covering The Rat Pack and Nicky Blackmarket's set at Helter Skelter."

DL: "There was one particular night we played at the Roadmender - I say we, but Frost was having trouble both seeing or hearing for certain reasons. The crowd had fun."

Namecheck some gigs/venues where you've rolled like a Cooper's Hill cheese wheel:

DL: "Fuel, Hysteria, Liquid, Helter Skelter, Club Pluto, Break-Up, B2M, Strictly Drum n Bass, Rage, and er, too many pubs and parties under bridges or in barns to mention."

What about projects for the future, assuming we have one?

DL: "We're concentrating on two main club nights at the minute - VIP House, where we've just got a residency and a big new monthly Drum n Bass night that's soon to be launched in Northampton. Check press for details. Apart from that, we're also working on some new tracks in the studio."

If your TV was jammed on one program forever (which is a technical and logical impossibility) which joyous slab of gogglevision would you be as chuffed as a tank engine with?

DF: "Shameless."

DL: "*NTV's Search For A Star."

*For the benefit of readers in, I dunno, say Hollywood or New York or Paris or Ouagadougou, wherever, NTV is the acronym for Northampton TeleVision, a somewhat maverick channel which by all accounts can never be accused of squandering its budget. 

And finally, if you were both marooned on a desert island with just one item (which technically and logically could happen but in all honesty is incredibly unlikely, especially if it happened to the boys independently and not in the same mishap), what would it be?

DF: "An aeroplane."

DL: "A pilot."

Jamfoolery.

The Roadmender: Beyond Repair?

On the evening of November 10, more than 150 people congregated at The Roadmender for a public meeting to discuss the venue's future. Tellingly, not one single member of the Conservative County Council cabinet, those responsible for the outcome, could be bothered to turn up.

Despite having the clout of showbiz radio-types Jo Whiley and Andrew Collins, who put their names to the Save Our Roadmender petition, alongside six and a half thousand other of us more lowly music fans (and regular venue users), on Monday, November 14, the cabinet voted to withdraw its funding from early next year.

The Roadmender was receiving around £140,000 from local council grants - £58,230 of which came from Northampton County Council annually. In April this year, the East Midlands Arts Council announced that it was withdrawing its funding which accounted for %40 of the venue's grant income. This becomes effective as of April 2006, which means that The Roadmender will probably have to close its doors for the last time before Christmas. Seasons' greetings to the town's youth from a contemptuous council.

A recommendation was made to cabinet for the council to end its financial commitment to the venue and work alongside trustees to help secure grants and sponsorship from other organisations.

Does this strike anyone else as being a little like stealing a kid's BMX and then offering him/her to hop onto their own stunt-pegs for a trundle down to the local Halfords? Sheesh.

Cabinet member for Community Services, Councillor Rosemary Bromwich has stated that, '..all our investigations and debates come back to the same point - this money would be better invested in other cultural activities and projects for young people.'

As for which ones? Hmm?

A beach at Sixfields? Maybe a simulated lunar surface in Jimmy's End? Well, you try and find out. She also cites other problems with the venue: poor pedestrian access, lack of parking availability, safety issues due to its location next to a dual-carriageway, etc. Now I genuinally don't want to be a pedant but these objections just don't stand up to close scrutiny.

Since when did a 5 minute walk from the town centre constitute poor pedestrian access or is there a pool of quicksand somewhere along the journey that I've somehow overlooked? Are there wild beasts to be dodged - lions, crocodiles, maybe even velociraptors?

A lack of parking availability? Forgive me, but is there not a council-owned, multi-storey carpark directly opposite the venue? It's the big, grey, oblong-shaped, tiered structure. You know, some kind of garagey, parking-lot type of affair.

I think it's called the Mayorhold. I assume there's no way that council departments can work together to solve this tricky strategic problem? Besides, the kids who attend the alcohol-free nights at The Roadmender don't drive there. They get dropped off by their parents.

The venue is also located next to a duel-carriageway. By sheer coincidence it is also sited directly adjacent to a pedestrian-crossing that traverses said dragster-alley. This 'duel-carriageway' is in the middle of the town centre and with the sheer profusion of traffic lights, the labyrinthine one-way system and spawning speed cameras every 100 metres it seems unlikely that Doc Emmet Brown and Marty McFly would have selected it to pick up the required speed of 88mph needed to coincide with a bolt of lightning due to strike the wonky weather vane atop of Northampton's Best Kebab House at the bottom of Gold Street on the morning of Friday, October 25, 1985.

1.21 Gigawatts? Great Scott!

Jon Gloerson, interim Chief Executive of The Roadmender says they are repaying their debts on time and that the balance is rapidly decreasing. They are in the middle of a turn-around operation where trading deficits have been reduced by £60,000 from 2002/03 to 2003/04. He goes on to say that in 2004/05, The Roadmender broke even and the financial projections for 2005/06 point to the accumulation of a surplus which would help to alleviate the Arts Council funding shortfall.

The council isn't interested.

Mr Gloerson also says that they have been approached by a number of possible new partners. Let's hope so.

There's a venue in Harlow, Essex called The Square which is funded by Essex County Council and managed by Essex Youth Service through its Harlow Locality. They have seen the likes of Blur and The Beta Band put on performances there, just as we have at The Roadmender. The Square has an extensive programme of live-performances, video and recording facilities, and a Rock School among many other ongoing projects. They receive funding from the Arts Council (East), the regional Arts Lottery Programme and the European Social Fund.

Sadly, what's good enough for the youth of Harlow isn't good enough for the youth of Northampton.

Do you know how much 45 minutes of Mr Droning Keating cost our council at this year's Balloon Festival?

Trust me, you really don't want to.