I half-consciously waited for it to roll round again as I struggled with too many verbs playing online Scrabble.
Now I say for some reason this caught my attention, not because I don't care and certainly not because I'm yet another shallow, self-centered SpaceBooker tweeting in the breeze. I mean fuck, I've followed world news and (our) current affairs relatively closely since 9/11, (Beeb, Al-J, Sky, Indie, Sun, P.Eye, Viz etc).
And for two reasons. The first being that when I watched the footage unfolding of the people jumping from the burning towers it occurred to me that I had no idea what could possibly drive anyone to want to cause that much pain and suffering and I had to find out. The second being that I'd realised that the only thing I'd ever been any good at was writing (apart from wasting time) and with life going nowhere, maybe I should think about a career in journalism. And follow the news.
I don't have a career in journalism - so merely a thruppence-worth.
Oh, and partly because of my philanthropic love of all god's children, as long as they don't just stop suddenly, brandishing a shopping trolley in supermarket aisles (apparently death by frozen chicken-bludgeoning is still an illegal on-the-spot punishment).
I've just realised that my momentary genuine pangs of heartfelt sorrow are becoming increasingly more and more fleeting. They are diminishing in their momentariness.
Yes, I think I delved deeply into the motives behind the 9/11 atrocity and felt that although I was an ill-educated oik, I had a vaguely even-handed understanding of how the situation unfolded - the whys, whats, wheres and yawns etc. We're talking pissed-up politcal pub-chat authority here not a professor standard philosophical lecture. We're talking breeze.
Still, I felt that I should face the realities of what was actually going on.
From the comfort of my sitting room.
When Bush and Blair invaded Iraq I knew this was a bad idea as did hundreds of thousands of others for obvious reasons and the aftermath proved to be more horrific than we could have ever imagined. Worse than that bad microdot trip locked in a beehive -we've been through too much together.
But this soldier's death bothered me. I mean, I watched the Baghdad skyline being bombed into obliteration on BBC News (eating Brie probably). I watched Daniel Pearl with a gun held to his head (as I picked the pepperoni off someone else's cold pizza at 4am). I watched Saddam Hussein hang (with Daft Punk playing in one ear whilst texting some cretin). I saw the online beheading of Ken Bigley. It was one of the most terrible things I've ever seen, especially following such depraved and harrowing abuse.
The beheading of American businessman Nick Berg was somehow worse.
How can it be possible to try and quantify distinctions between such terrible acts? I found that I could. And so could most of my friends. We're not sickos or deviants or vouyeurs or stalkers - most of them are well-educated, successful, well-rounded human beings (myself excluded). So what has become of us?
These things affected me deeply I'd thought. I'd surely considered all the implications (imaginable) of what this meant to the families involved. I'd thought about the longevity of their lives and how they'd wake up every morning for eternity knowing that their true love was slowly slaughtered with the worst fear already in their heart. I'd thought how they could never be happy again. I'd felt the same watching documentaries about serial killers and their victims or the families and survivors of natural tragedies or homelessness or ill-treatment of the elderly or the disabled or prostitution or Brookside.
My god, to know your child was raped and killed by some deranged, toothless zero with one eye on dip, the other on dazzle. I'd commit suicide, wouldn't you? To watch your brother slowly eaten to death by Motor Neurone Disease? To find the cadavar of the daughter who frequently stole from you, slumped, with needle still in hand in her bedroom (and to realise the last thing she saw on Earth was Big Brother 2009 Live Streaming).
I've thought about the pain these people have suffered and got to the point where my sympathy has become, er, robotic? On September 11 I lay awake for most of the night turning events over in my mind. On 7/7 I already felt that this was coming our way and was ready to be appalled and furious. I was also phoning round friends in London to check they weren't in a zillion pieces. In no particular order, I took on board the London/Madrid bombings, the Beslan school-siege, the Mumbai attacks, the war in Lebanon, Cho Seung-Hui's shooting-up of a high school, the invasion of Gaza, the death of Michael Jackson, the genocide in Darfur, the Bus Stalker Killer, the grisly assassination of Neda.
And the sad news that Margaret Thatcher had broken her arm.
And each time I swear I've truly felt it. And each time the encapsulation of all of the implications into emotion has got smaller, the time dwelt on them shorter. It's all there. Just micro-registered these days. Again not because I don't care but because I think I know all there is to know about these things and my brain has found a more efficient way to deal with them.
So this soldier...
The highest ranking British soldier to be killed in action since 1982's Falklands War. I did the obligatory gulp and cursory heartfelt ache - still half thinking about some stupid pun to daub on my mate's virtual wall and then realised that for the Taliban this was a major coup. I've read of the killing of so many Taliban leaders and thought nothing of it other than that the army are partially succeeding in their mission. For the Taliban this a major scalp that will envigour their troops. This is the most complicated strategy game imaginable and with the most appalling of consequences. And it appears to still be in its spawning stages. The strategy is all we really hear about in the news but this overlooks the realities.
For the first time ever I saw things from their side (things they consider to be positive), not because I sympathised with them but because I was angry. Like watching the German fans celebrate when they've beaten England on penalties. You kind of want to get into their heads just for a nanosecond to try and understand their inexplicable joy. Like looking through the ski-mask eyeholes of a horror-movie serial killer armed with a nailgun, stalking through the incubater ward in a hospital. Or the alien race that invades our planet and wants to exterminate us all. Hmm, how would I do it? I thought I'd applied this empathetic logic to our real life war and understood its implications - I certainly had regarding the 9/11 jumpers. I've simply forgotten. With just a tiny shift of perspective I realise I don't know everything at all. In fact I don't really know anything. My emotions have logged-off. This is so complex and motley that there are angles I've never even considered.
I actually know nothing.
I am just another shallow SpaceBooker twatting utter breeze. The empathy that I thought was sincere is merely mechanical. Nearly everyone I know has watched at least one of the beheading videos or has an opinion on Gaza or Somalia or Hollyoaks. Far too many appear to have an encyclopeadic knowledge of serial killers. They all probably watched these atrocities for the same reasons as me. An interest in the unjustly morbid or a feeling of self-righteousness. And we've all become immune.
There, I've said it.
We've watched so many horrors unfolding live-on-air that we think we know all there is to know about human suffering and tragedy so we deal with it as we would a lack of any donut peaches in Morrisons' fruit aisle.
I can't remember the last time I actually read an article in a newspaper about a soldier being killed in Afghanistan. I've registered each and every headline but I haven't actually read them. What was I going to read? Soldier killed on foot patrol? Roadside bomb? Family informed? Cue momentary sorrow. I knew it all already.
My god. We are the automaton generation. We function with C3P0-like esoteric, robotic emotion. This is scary.
So anyway, Lieutenant Colonel Rupert Thorneloe was commanding officer of the 1st Battalion Welsh Guards. The 1,000 troops under his command are deployed in Lashkar Gah and the surrounding areas in Helmand province. He was 39 years old and married with two daughters. He was also a keen polo player. An improvised explosive device exploded under his BvS 10 Viking armoured vehicle. He was killed instantly and his murder will rank highly on the Taliban's hit-list. Killed alongside him was Trooper Joshua Hammond of 2nd Royal Tank Regiment. Joshua was 18 years old and his death will be seen as a tactical success by the Taliban. So which one ranks more importantly? Well obviously neither, because both, when you actually look closely and don't flip the pages, are encircled by an incredibly complicated spiral of sorrow. The tactical strategies no longer come into the equation.
Just some young dad dude or a funny teenager that leave everything empty for those closest to them when they're not there any more. Hey, I forgot to care too.
Click. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
